Shits, Giggles & Christmas Cheer

[Verse 1]
Dad, it’s Christmas time again,
You’re shufflin’ ‘round the house like you’re ninety-ten.
Tryna find your glasses… they’re on your head,
Forgot what you were sayin’… halfway through what you said.
But we love you, Dad — even when you fart and deny it,
(Yeah, we heard you — you can’t hide it).

[Pre-Chorus]
You bend down slowly… like you’re defusin’ a bomb,
And every time you sneeze… you whisper, “Oh… not again… stay calm…”

[Chorus]
’Cause it’s all shits and giggles,
Till someone giggles and shits —
Dad, we ain’t judgin’,
We’re just laughin’ ‘til we’re in bits.
Grab a mince pie, raise your cuppa,
Wear that adult diaper with pride —
Merry Christmas, you beautiful old bastard,
We’re with you on this ride.

[Verse 2]
You’ve still got moves from back in the day,
Just takes a bit longer now… to get them underway.
And you swear blind “I’m fit as a fiddle!”
But your body’s givin’ up like, “Mate… sit down for a little.”
Yet you’re still our hero — wise, funny and crude,
Even when your stomach’s in one of those moods.

[Pre-Chorus]
Yeah, you blame the dog…
But the dog looks shocked,
And Mum’s sprayin’ Febreze
Like she’s detoxin’ the block.

[Chorus]
’Cause it’s all shits and giggles,
Till someone giggles and shits —
Dad, you’re a legend,
Even when your bowels throw fits.
Mulled wine flowin’, spirits glowin’,
Christmas chaos in full flight —
Merry Christmas you gorgeous wreck,
You make our world alright.

[Bridge – sexy R-Kelly slow-jam parody]
Ohhh Dad…
Slide into that recliner…
Pull that blanket over your knees…
Let that central heating do its thing…
And if your arse makes another noise…
We’ll just pretend we didn’t hear it…
(But we did… we definitely heard it.)

[Final Chorus]
Shits and giggles,
Giggles and shits —
Dad, you’re priceless,
And we love you to bits.
Here’s to Christmas,
Ageing, chaos and mirth —
You’re the funniest old bugger
On this whole damn Earth.

[Outro]
Merry Christmas, Dad…
Try not to follow through this year.
(But if you do… we’ve got spare pants.)